My youngest daughter posted this today on Facebook after leaving Franks doctor appointment this morning:
Today is a great day because Frank does not have to go back until August for his Petscan, though when I look at this picture on one hand, I am so very proud of Frank, but on the other hand, I’m angry! I am angry because Cancer has eaten away at my husband , I am angry because Cancer invaded my life, I am angry for the tears and I am angry for the pain my children have endured. I now understand why the popular saying is FUCK CANCER! Though that’s a pretty harsh word to use, Cancer is harsh! You really never know what you or your family are made of until you are faced with a deadly disease! Though not over by any means I am hoping we are on a downhill slope from here on out. The doctor told him today that he is where he should be and that things will start tasting better. I hope that’s true next week when he is cooking the prime rib on our vacation (don’t get your panties in a bundle, his idea, not mine). I still don’t understand why I have put on so much weight, not only am I a closet crier but an eater too. The guilt kills me to eat in front of him when he can’t eat (obviously not too much). As soon as he can eat again and maintain his weight the feeding tube will come out. Frank is thinking August when he goes in, I’m thinking I’m gonna shove some lasagna down that damn tube and get it out now! Just a thought I have in my sick little head!
Frank went to his appointment today and the doctor couldn’t believe how good he looked! Are we looking in the same mirror? I guess compared to whom she normally sees he does. I know Frank needs those words to boost his confidence so honestly whatever it takes. I believe he’s weaning himself off of all drugs which is music to my ears! I think we are on the uphill battle to getting better, at least I hope so! I’m no longer getting a ‘talking too’ while he’s sleeping so that says something. His head his clearing which now I can see what’s real and what’s not . Today I feel as if I’m getting my husband back, if we can string a few days together my mind will agree! To anyone that is or about to go anywhere near what we are going thru I do not want to scare you, just know you have a friend in me and are not alone!
Thankfully my husband works for himself so to be off all of this time is no problem, though it also means no money is coming in as the medical bills are piling up. He buys old phone systems they refurbish them and are resold. We have told but a few of his regular customers that he has cancer. The other ones have continued to call him with equipment for him to buy, I know it has been killing him to not be able to go. Yesterday he said he was going to go to Detroit and if he didn’t he was afraid they would sell it. My daughter Alicia is home so I had her go with him. He sleeps for hours at a time, is down to 135 and is weak, how the hell is he going to drive let alone lift equipment? I have control most times but this was out of my hands. I believe getting your mind off of your disease, even for a little bit, is great, but it requires an overnight with tubes, formula, meds etc…. personally I think he is so over this shit and wants to get back to normal but it’s too fast and could set him back more then do good.
By the time he came home he was over exhausted, emotional and fed up. We have a van full of equipment that needs to be inventoried and boxed up for shipping so I know his mind is reeling while his body has said enough already! Tomorrow we have an appointment with his ENT Doctor the original that diagnosed his Cancer. We have not seen her since our treatment began so it will be interesting to see what she has to say! I pray that there will be good news though he has already said he won’t allow her to scope through his nose an order to see his throat. I’m hoping we can convince him to get it done. What if he has an infection in his throat which is why it burns, tastes horrible and causing the dry heaves? Maybe there’s something else in there that she will be able to see! To be continued………
Anyone that knows Frank knows that he has certain things in his life that you do not touch and if you do it better be right back to where it should be. Totally understandable but with four children it wasn’t always possible. His brush was one of those things that he found sacred, when he found a good one look out. Even his Mom at one point was on the lookout for a new brush it was that special. I am happy to report,though they said it was a sure thing, Frank did not lose his hair. I have always admired his hair, he has his Dads hair, full and healthy. It was really weird because he lost hair on his face in patches, thank God I don’t have to ever worry about a ‘porn stache’. He always shaved regularly so in my opinion he cut off 50% of shaving time, (you know the glass half full thing). He also lost about one inch straight across his back of his neck, really not so bad just looks like the barber made an oops. He had me shave his head before he was to lose all of his hair. When we shaved my Dads head I remember it coming back curly which was so odd he looked like he had just gotten a perm when perms were out of style. I don’t think that will happen to Frank, really the only way you can tell he is sick is by all of the weight he has lost. I really and I know he does too, look forward to when he can eat again. I’ve gained so much weight during this stressful time I will be eating salads while he’s eating bon bons. I remember years ago we took Mom and Dad to Cancun, (one of their favorite places) Dad was so sick and wasn’t eating so we decided to buy some pot (imagine getting caught in Cancun) for him. We were at one of those all you can eat resorts with buffets, Dad hated buffets until of course he smoked a little bit, was the funniest scene seeing Dad doing wheelies on his wheelchair grabbing food. Ok maybe I exaggerated the wheelie part but he did put on weight. I had to laugh because we hid the pot under Moms mattress, she didn’t think that was funny but if anyone was going to take the heat why not Mom? 😎
Don’t get me wrong I am not nor have I ever been a pothead, but I believe that it has medicinal purposes and should be used just for that! Well the moral of this story is after 26 years Frank no longer needs his brush so it’s mine! Until of course it grows back! Which I know it will and he will be cured!
Yesterday as we were at the hospital Frank told me I feel as if I’m turning a corner! Oh my God what?!!!!! Of course in my mind I’m thinking of course you are, in your drug induced kinda way! I’m sorry to say that was my first thought but after everything we have been through can you blame me? The one thing through all of this is there is no right or wrong way to feel or act when somebody is going through Cancer. I really have been flying by the seat of my pants. I have also learned a valuable lesson to not judge a book by its cover, unless you have lived their life you really have no idea what is going on in somebody’s life. Always remember you can’t see pain. My cousin, after reading this blog said to me and I quote, ” you always have a smile on your face and are so beautiful inside and out, no one would ever see what’s happening behind your eyes”. I guess in a way that is why I decided to share my blog, I always said if I was to write a book it would be called behind the facade. I want people to know you can dress it up but we are all human, we all have feelings and though you see a smile you never know what they are going through. When they are ready to share they will just you being there is usually enough.
Once again I got on a tangent and off the topic, once I get going it’s hard to stop my mouth! Anywho, today after dry heaving, I made Frank some poached eggs and thank the Lord above he ate some. I know he wants that feeding tube out though the doctors said three more months I know if he eats he can get it out! This is a huge step to recovery and I pray he is on his way!
So at the Simon Cancer Center where we go they offer many outlets for patients and their caregivers. You can get a massage, talk to anyone, do puzzles, they have snacks and drinks, blankets, pillows etc… Well today we passed a sign where it said art gallery, open come in and paint. As we were walking by I asked Frank what his painting of Cancer would look like? Would it be all poopy black? He responded no I would paint the mask I wore, the tears I don’t see from you and others, the pain etched on your faces, hospital bags flowing in and around him, loss of hair and the throwing up. So an other words all poopy black! This would be mine:
Since my husband has gotten done with his treatment we both kinda expected a faster recovery then what is really happening. He is very discouraged, depressed and OVER it. I am pointing out the little improvements that I notice like swallowing a few times or staying up for longer periods of time. They did extensive treatment on him he needs to understand that. My heart hurts for him to see him dry heaving over the toilet bowl still. He has cut back on pain medication so I am happy to see that. We have been going back to the hospital on a daily basis to get him fluids, nausea medicine and pain medicine thru an IV. He is saying tomorrow will be his last day doing this and he’s going to wean off of it. My mission is to get him to eat and get off all medicine. Our fishing trip with the family is on June 3rd and I so want him to have an amazing time and celebrate life with our family. I know if I can get him there his spirits will be so much better than laying around at home? Ever since my Dad passed away I see 11:11 all the time especially when I need it most! I hadn’t seen it in awhile and the other morning I did and said to myself, ” Thanks Dad I know everything will be alright!” That afternoon I was out gardening and my daughter came out to tell me Frank was crying, I went inside and I was able to talk him down and to share that Dad is with him EVERY step of the way! In my heart I believe that and I know Frank does too! By the grace of God and our angels we will pull through this!
This article confirms what I already knew and felt:
When I was growing up unless I was shielded by it, I never really heard of my family getting cancer! As I write this I know of four people battling this disease, people say it’s more prevalent today because we live longer, I call bullshit on that, the people that I know are in their 40’s, 50’s and 60’s. my personal opinion is from all of the crap they pump into the animals we eat and the pesticides they spray on our fruit and vegetables. Just look around at the young girls and how they are developing at such an early age, you don’t think it could be because of the hormones they inject into our food? I once heard that everyone has cancer in their bodies but most don’t live long enough for it to surface well it’s surfacing now and at a young age.
The doctors are saying that Franks cancer is in the lymph nodes but it originated somewhere else they just can’t find it. They assume it’s in the head and neck region but when they did the biopsies everything came back negative. That’s pretty scary knowing that it’s hiding, who knows if they got it all or not? Another petscan isn’t going to show it, the cancer didn’t show on it the first time. Is it growing still wherever it originated from? Not knowing is the hardest part. Will we have to go through this again? He has an appointment for the petscan the second week of June and I wish I could say they will know for sure if all of this treatment has helped. It truly is in Gods hands right now so please continue the prayers!