Time to find out!

Morning of the Petscan, one of THE most important days of treatment, time to find out if all of the pain, sleepless nights, hours upon hours of sitting in a waiting room, loss of hair, emotional roller coaster journey has been worth it!  I know if news is God forbid not good Frank will NEVER go through this again.  My daughter will be coming with us, she is throwing up while I am trying to stop a panic attack. In the car I am blasting the air getting as close to the vent as possible gulping for air!  Frank is sure he still has Cancer he feels it in his throat he’s prepared for the worst, I can’t bring myself to think that way, or at the very least not let him know I am. I find myself crying and can’t stop, my mind is everywhere! I need to pull it together for Frank and my children they need me, I’m mentally drained!  His petscan takes an hour and a half then we have appointment with the chemo doctor.  As we get to appointment the nurse says there are no results.  The fuck there isn’t, we are NOT leaving to wait for a phone call!  By the time the doctor comes in the results are in:

There is NO sign of Cancer! 

Insert Negative Nelly:  they couldn’t find where the Cancer originated from in the first place, who’s to say it’s not ‘hiding’ again?  Doctor says we may never know where it started and hopefully we never will!  Our next move is to see the ENT and radiation doctors if they say we are in the clear we will officially be in remission! 

Cancer-free looks good on him!


It’s my time damnit!

When Frank was diagnosed I put off Carpal Tunnel surgery because, quite frankly, Cancer trumped all.  I’m not looking for brownie points, a Saint I am not!  I was five years overdue, what’s a few more months?  By the end I was in excruciating pain during the night (do you see a pattern here? I’m frickin falling apart!) After all of Franks treatments I decided to get both wrists done, my right one then two weeks later the left.  Doing both would require somebody to wipe my ass, as much as I wanted to be babied for a change, that was going a little to far even for me.  Not to toot my own horn but I was there for my husband every step of the way during his illness and I guess expected the same.  It was my turn damnit!  My stitches stayed in for ten days and being right handed that was hard to function and I needed help.  Frank was done with treatment and wanted to vacation so the day after surgery off we went to Myrtle Beach.  I understood his wanting to get away and forget, but I just wanted to stay home and have someone wait on me.  We came back to get my stitches out and he asked the doctor to do the other one in the next two days.  Well that’s great, however, he wasn’t going to be there he was going to Illinois to help his parents!  I admire him for that but UM WHAT? My daughter Alicia who was home from college took me instead.  My Granddaughter Charlee, who is six, told the nurse, “I don’t know why Nonny didn’t get both wrists done, I would’ve wiped her butt”.  I had great care by them both but selfishly I wanted my husband there so he too could toot his own horn!


Menopause versus Cancer!

I bought a shirt at the Cancer gift shop,(I spent A LOT of time there) it said, ‘Hot Mess but Blessed’ so appropriate!  That is exactly how I feel these days, I am a 52 year old menopausal, hot flashed mess.  I have to look at my life as blessed, yes, Cancer has invaded our life but so many others have it so much worse.  I know I am not alone, nor are we the only family dealing with this awful disease.  I write this blog to help me cope, to inform family and friends what is REALLY going on, to help others realize that their feelings, thoughts and hatred of this disease are ok and they are not alone.  If I can put a smile on somebody’s face who is going through any type of Cancer all the better.  After all, I’m trying to get my humor back!  

We have been dealt a really shitty hand, though many cracks in my armor, I will remain a strong sweaty mess who is indeed blessed!  

Where is my humor? 

I lost it and I knew it!  Humor is a way of dealing with so many issues I have had, whether it was growing up, a death, problems etc…  I always could count on humor to help ease the pain.  When you lose that humor you have to deal with the issues head on.  Like I said before, I buried my head in the sand and found that I was now in a full depression!  I’m still clawing my way back, I didn’t want to go anywhere, I could sit and watch reality tv all day (makes my life seem so much better than those cackling hens), my house remained dark (can’t see the dust), I wasn’t living I was just there, a body taking up space.  While Frank was going through his treatment I had a purpose, he needed me, for the last few months he didn’t.  I had Carpal Tunnel surgery on both wrists so I wasn’t working either.  My depression reminded me of when Frank and I separated except drinking was my escape, I survived that so I will survive this.  The last time I laughed so hard it hurt was when I was at work, two of my customers are little people, the husband came in by himself one night and I asked, “Where is your other half?”  I didn’t realize the funny in that until after I said it.  If it was me as a little person in my full humor mode I would’ve responded, “I wasn’t born with it, idiot!” 

I need to find my humor or get some funnier friends! 

Try try again!

Before my husband was diagnosed with Cancer we both quit smoking, I was working out everyday and felt great!  Seeing people outside of the Cancer center smoking made us sick to our stomachs we both wanted to scream, ” Do you know what you are doing to yourself?”  I am now screaming the same thing to myself.  Though I am not proud I am back smoking.  I could blame it on so many things but in reality I have no one to blame but me.  I know my husband, and my kids for that matter, are so disappointed in me but I beat myself up more then they can any day.  The benefits after six months of not smoking surprised even me.  I found that I was breathing better and for me with anxiety and not getting enough air that was huge!  The salt intake lowered drastically and food tasted so much better. For a “foodie” like me on one hand that’s awesome on the other hand I couldn’t stop eating.  So now I’m a smoking, non quitter, gasping for air, LARD ASS!  Since then I have tried two more times to quit and failed.  I shall try again soon………..

Drug free!

Best feeling EVER to have a coherent husband.  Thankfully he was able to get off any and all drugs and has stayed that way.  I’m so proud of my husband I honestly don’t think I would’ve given up LALA land that soon.  I swear if Cancer doesn’t kill you the amount of medicine they give you will.  Just for shits and giggles we googled the street value of liquid morphine and it was in the thousands, my toilet is coated in 14 karat Morphine.  I’m sure the pieces of shit in the previous post would have bought it, nah stolen is more like it!  

Frank made a goal for himself to get the feeding tube removed by his appointment in August,  while speaking to a doctor he was told it could be in there for a year!  What a letdown that was, I feel as if the hits just keep on coming.  He wears his tube well, I’m too vain I could never!  

Work keeps the mind busy

Soon after treatment Frank went to work, he had to pick some equipment up in Tennessee, my daughter couldn’t go so I sent my son with him.  To say Alec is a bad driver is an understatement but desperate times desperate measures and all that crap.  I was at work and Frank called saying they had got into an accident, my first thought after picking my stomach up off the floor was OMG it was Alecs driving!  Thankfully they were ok but with all of the crap that we have been through did we really need this?  Three pieces of shit hit one person, a chain reaction occurred and in the end five cars were involved.  Two people went to the hospital none being the pieces of shit!  I call them pieces of shit because they were in a stolen car, got out with their drugs and simply walked away!  So, if any of you know of three African American, dreadlocked pieces of shit in a stolen red sports car that have nada frickin clue how to drive in the Tennessee area please contact the authorities!  #piecesofshit 

God I’ve missed this blog!

I really had all intentions of writing sooner!  I have buried my head in the sand for the last few months, you know out of sight out of mind?  Truth be told I found that I was censoring what I was writing at the end knowing that I had many friends and family reading my blog. I was being myself but not the full me. You know when you just want to say FUCK FUCK FUCK and your so worried you might ‘offend’ somebody?  Well this point on, when I want to, I shall say FUCK FUCK FUCK that’s me and I won’t apologize!  I can be a “lady” when necessary but Cancer has brought out the FUCK FUCK FUCK in me!  


Ending this blog!

I really felt that I was going to end writing this blog until August, but the hits keep coming!  I have to work right now, so to be continued…….

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